Scripture: Isaiah 45
" 'Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. . . . You are my witnesses,' says the LORD, 'and my servant whom I have chosen, so that you may know and believe me and understand that I am he. . . . Do not remember the former things, or consider the things of old. I am about to do a new thing . . . I, I am He who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins. . . .' "
Hymn: "How Firm a Foundation," UMH 529
"K" in Rippon's Selection of Hymns, 1787
". . . 'Fear not, I am with the, O be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid;
I'll strengthen and help thee, and cause thee to stand
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.' . . ."
Prayer:
Called by name! O loving God, you know my name!
I want to follow you, dear God, wherever you lead me. I give you myself, including my darkest fears, and trust you to use my life in the way that pleases you most.
I ask only that you keep calling my name, God. I belong to you.
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Wrestling, revisited
I've been off the blog here lately, dealing with a pretty major issue (actually two related issues). I've decided to write about it here.
The friends who've been keeping up with my employment situation are aware that, as things stand now, I have two disparate areas of work: my position as part-time minister of music at my much-loved church, and my scrambling efforts to stay employed in the secular business world as an administrative support worker. The former is very stable; I find a great deal of satisfaction ministering in an area in which I'm technically very competent and which is a good match for a number of my strongest gifts. The latter, unfortunately, is sapping much of my strength and energy. The work isn't; here again, I'm more than competent and bring a lot of good skills to the positions I've filled. The problem is that over and over again, the positions that could have/were supposed to result in a job offer, have fizzled or shifted or been eliminated. As much as I try to tell myself it's no reflection on who I am, each disappointment rips out a piece of me. I suppose that's because I don't just show up and work like an automaton; I put a lot of myself into my work and take pride in the excellence of what I do. When the job goes away, it's difficult not to see that as a negative judgment of the value of who I am and what I can do.
The obvious answer (for quite some time now) is to work full-time at the part-time job. That would be great, if I could only afford to stop doing secular work. But I am my own sole support. A pitifully small retirement fund is my only "nest egg." Other than marrying for money--something for which I have had exactly zilch offers--there's no way to make ends meet if I ditch the secular employment. This is not whining, this is fact.
(It's this reality that makes me laugh sometimes at the patriarchalists' pontifications that claim a woman's only godly option is to "be a keeper at home." That's all well and good and should be a viable, honorable choice--for those women who are truly called to minister primarily to husbands and children. Those of us who have neither, simply don't exist in their myopic little world. But I digress...)
A United Methodist church the next county over is searching for a full-time music minister. After much prayer and consultation with the dear friend who is also my pastor, I've applied. After speaking with the pastor to follow up on sending my resume, it appears I'm a strong candidate. (This was confirmed by my pastor, who also spoke with him.)
The thing is, I hate to even think of leaving my church. It's a seriously painful prospect. However, the ongoing pain (to say nothing of the financial uncertainty) of never knowing if I have a job to go to that will pay the bills, has become overwhelming to me. With every assignment I accept, it has become harder and harder to psych myself up to be perky and optimistic and positive. (I'm not genuinely any of those things even at my best! So I'm doing a whole lot of faking of it now.)
(Note to my readers: If you have an administrative assistant or associate with anyone who does administrative support work for you, PLEASE don't treat such people as disposable, as though there's ten more just like 'em where they came from. That's a unique, gifted child of God who is doing a valuable job for you, probably for pay most other people would laugh at. Cherish that person as an intelligent employee. They're not human wallpaper, even if they're "just a temp." Too many people have no concept just how poorly they treat administrative support personnel. That's somebody's life they're messing with. If they're not doing things up to snuff, talk to them! They are probably capable of a lot more and with a little encouragement could end up being invaluable to you. End of rant/suggestion/encouragement to keep on loving your admin support folks.)
A full-time position like this is what I earned my degree to do. It was a cold blow to learn, upon searching for a full-time music ministry position, that that degree would have to be a stepping-stone to an advanced degree if I ever wanted to work in such a position. It was when I was doing just that that my marriage failed, my money ran out, and God seemed to be moving me toward a different kind of ministry. I'm still not out of that bewildering territory. Just what AM I called to do? In answer to that ongoing question, this door seems to be opening. Is this going to be the means by which I eventually return to school and finish SOME master's degree? I don't know. I do know that I'm called to be faithful, trusting God to reveal enough of the way so that I may follow. My heart's been in the desert for a long time, ever since leaving pastoral ministry six years ago. During those four precious years, I knew without doubt that I was where God wanted me to be, doing what God was callign me to do. My soul almost died when I left. Now, the grace and love that surround me part of the time, at my church, serve to underscore just how lacking in grace and love much of the business world is. I have tried, very hard, to be faithful in that desert, offering God in whatever ways I could to those with whom I've worked. But that's very different from the clearly ongoing call to help equip the saints to minister in the world.
Is this possible return to full-time church ministry God's supply of a field in which to labor? I don't know. I suppose I'll know when and if the position is offered to me. All the experts say to do what you love, and the money will follow. I don't know about that. I do know that I've longed for a very long time to do what I'm passionate about: helping fellow disciples to grow in Jesus Christ and to develop and use their own gifts for ministry. It's what I'm gifted to do. It's what I'm called to do. It's what I want to do. Dear God, you know it's what I've been trying to do for all these years.
I'm trying to trust you.
The friends who've been keeping up with my employment situation are aware that, as things stand now, I have two disparate areas of work: my position as part-time minister of music at my much-loved church, and my scrambling efforts to stay employed in the secular business world as an administrative support worker. The former is very stable; I find a great deal of satisfaction ministering in an area in which I'm technically very competent and which is a good match for a number of my strongest gifts. The latter, unfortunately, is sapping much of my strength and energy. The work isn't; here again, I'm more than competent and bring a lot of good skills to the positions I've filled. The problem is that over and over again, the positions that could have/were supposed to result in a job offer, have fizzled or shifted or been eliminated. As much as I try to tell myself it's no reflection on who I am, each disappointment rips out a piece of me. I suppose that's because I don't just show up and work like an automaton; I put a lot of myself into my work and take pride in the excellence of what I do. When the job goes away, it's difficult not to see that as a negative judgment of the value of who I am and what I can do.
The obvious answer (for quite some time now) is to work full-time at the part-time job. That would be great, if I could only afford to stop doing secular work. But I am my own sole support. A pitifully small retirement fund is my only "nest egg." Other than marrying for money--something for which I have had exactly zilch offers--there's no way to make ends meet if I ditch the secular employment. This is not whining, this is fact.
(It's this reality that makes me laugh sometimes at the patriarchalists' pontifications that claim a woman's only godly option is to "be a keeper at home." That's all well and good and should be a viable, honorable choice--for those women who are truly called to minister primarily to husbands and children. Those of us who have neither, simply don't exist in their myopic little world. But I digress...)
A United Methodist church the next county over is searching for a full-time music minister. After much prayer and consultation with the dear friend who is also my pastor, I've applied. After speaking with the pastor to follow up on sending my resume, it appears I'm a strong candidate. (This was confirmed by my pastor, who also spoke with him.)
The thing is, I hate to even think of leaving my church. It's a seriously painful prospect. However, the ongoing pain (to say nothing of the financial uncertainty) of never knowing if I have a job to go to that will pay the bills, has become overwhelming to me. With every assignment I accept, it has become harder and harder to psych myself up to be perky and optimistic and positive. (I'm not genuinely any of those things even at my best! So I'm doing a whole lot of faking of it now.)
(Note to my readers: If you have an administrative assistant or associate with anyone who does administrative support work for you, PLEASE don't treat such people as disposable, as though there's ten more just like 'em where they came from. That's a unique, gifted child of God who is doing a valuable job for you, probably for pay most other people would laugh at. Cherish that person as an intelligent employee. They're not human wallpaper, even if they're "just a temp." Too many people have no concept just how poorly they treat administrative support personnel. That's somebody's life they're messing with. If they're not doing things up to snuff, talk to them! They are probably capable of a lot more and with a little encouragement could end up being invaluable to you. End of rant/suggestion/encouragement to keep on loving your admin support folks.)
A full-time position like this is what I earned my degree to do. It was a cold blow to learn, upon searching for a full-time music ministry position, that that degree would have to be a stepping-stone to an advanced degree if I ever wanted to work in such a position. It was when I was doing just that that my marriage failed, my money ran out, and God seemed to be moving me toward a different kind of ministry. I'm still not out of that bewildering territory. Just what AM I called to do? In answer to that ongoing question, this door seems to be opening. Is this going to be the means by which I eventually return to school and finish SOME master's degree? I don't know. I do know that I'm called to be faithful, trusting God to reveal enough of the way so that I may follow. My heart's been in the desert for a long time, ever since leaving pastoral ministry six years ago. During those four precious years, I knew without doubt that I was where God wanted me to be, doing what God was callign me to do. My soul almost died when I left. Now, the grace and love that surround me part of the time, at my church, serve to underscore just how lacking in grace and love much of the business world is. I have tried, very hard, to be faithful in that desert, offering God in whatever ways I could to those with whom I've worked. But that's very different from the clearly ongoing call to help equip the saints to minister in the world.
Is this possible return to full-time church ministry God's supply of a field in which to labor? I don't know. I suppose I'll know when and if the position is offered to me. All the experts say to do what you love, and the money will follow. I don't know about that. I do know that I've longed for a very long time to do what I'm passionate about: helping fellow disciples to grow in Jesus Christ and to develop and use their own gifts for ministry. It's what I'm gifted to do. It's what I'm called to do. It's what I want to do. Dear God, you know it's what I've been trying to do for all these years.
I'm trying to trust you.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Lent: Day 31
Christ, of All My Hopes the Ground
Text: Ralph Wardlaw, 1817
Tune: HENDON, H. A. Cesar Malan, 1827 or
SONG 13 (GIBBONS), Orlando Gibbons, 1623
(Cyberhymnal link)
Here is another hymn that is not very well-known today. It blessed me this morning, as I pray it does you.
Christ, of all my hopes the Ground;
Christ, the Spring of all my joy;
Still in Thee may I be found,
Still for Thee my powers employ,
Still for Thee my powers employ.
Let Thy love my heart inflame;
Keep Thy fear before my sight;
Be Thy praise my highest aim;
Be Thy smile my chief delight,
Be Thy smile my chief delight.
When affliction clouds my sky,
And the wintry tempests blow,
Let Thy mercy beaming eye
Sweetly cheer the night of woe.
Sweetly cheer the night of woe.
When new triumphs of Thy Name
Swell the raptured songs above,
May I feel a kindred flame,
Full of zeal, and full of love!
Full of zeal, and full of love!
Life’s best joy, to see Thy praise
Fly on wings of Gospel light,
Leading on millennial days,
Scattering all the shades of night!
Scattering all the shades of night!
Fountain of overflowing grace,
Freely from Thy fullness give;
Till I close my earthly race,
May I prove it “Christ to live!”
May I prove it “Christ to live!”
When, with wasting sickness worn,
Sinking to the grave I lie,
Or, by sudden anguish torn,
Startled nature dreads to die,
Startled nature dreads to die.
Jesus, my redeeming Lord,
Be Thou then in mercy near!
Let Thy smile of love afford
Full relief from all my fear,
Full relief from all my fear.
Firmly trusting in Thy blood,
Nothing shall my heart confound;
Safely I shall pass the flood,
Safely reach Emmanuel’s ground,
Safely reach Emmanuel’s ground.
When I touch the blessèd shore,
Back the closing waves shall roll;
Death’s dark stream shall never more
Part from Thee my ravished soul,
Part from Thee my ravished soul.
Thus, O thus, an entrance give
To the land of cloudless sky;
Having known it “Christ to live,”
Let me know it “gain to die,”
Let me know it “gain to die.”
Text: Ralph Wardlaw, 1817
Tune: HENDON, H. A. Cesar Malan, 1827 or
SONG 13 (GIBBONS), Orlando Gibbons, 1623
(Cyberhymnal link)
Here is another hymn that is not very well-known today. It blessed me this morning, as I pray it does you.
Christ, of all my hopes the Ground;
Christ, the Spring of all my joy;
Still in Thee may I be found,
Still for Thee my powers employ,
Still for Thee my powers employ.
Let Thy love my heart inflame;
Keep Thy fear before my sight;
Be Thy praise my highest aim;
Be Thy smile my chief delight,
Be Thy smile my chief delight.
When affliction clouds my sky,
And the wintry tempests blow,
Let Thy mercy beaming eye
Sweetly cheer the night of woe.
Sweetly cheer the night of woe.
When new triumphs of Thy Name
Swell the raptured songs above,
May I feel a kindred flame,
Full of zeal, and full of love!
Full of zeal, and full of love!
Life’s best joy, to see Thy praise
Fly on wings of Gospel light,
Leading on millennial days,
Scattering all the shades of night!
Scattering all the shades of night!
Fountain of overflowing grace,
Freely from Thy fullness give;
Till I close my earthly race,
May I prove it “Christ to live!”
May I prove it “Christ to live!”
When, with wasting sickness worn,
Sinking to the grave I lie,
Or, by sudden anguish torn,
Startled nature dreads to die,
Startled nature dreads to die.
Jesus, my redeeming Lord,
Be Thou then in mercy near!
Let Thy smile of love afford
Full relief from all my fear,
Full relief from all my fear.
Firmly trusting in Thy blood,
Nothing shall my heart confound;
Safely I shall pass the flood,
Safely reach Emmanuel’s ground,
Safely reach Emmanuel’s ground.
When I touch the blessèd shore,
Back the closing waves shall roll;
Death’s dark stream shall never more
Part from Thee my ravished soul,
Part from Thee my ravished soul.
Thus, O thus, an entrance give
To the land of cloudless sky;
Having known it “Christ to live,”
Let me know it “gain to die,”
Let me know it “gain to die.”
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Fourth Sunday in Lent
"My Hope Is Built"
Text: Edward Mote, c. 1834
Tune: SOLID ROCK, William B. Bradbury, 1863 (most common among several tunes)
My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.
Refrain
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.
When darkness seems to hide His face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.
Refrain
His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.
Refrain
When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh may I then in Him be found.
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.
Refrain
Text: Edward Mote, c. 1834
Tune: SOLID ROCK, William B. Bradbury, 1863 (most common among several tunes)
My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.
Refrain
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.
When darkness seems to hide His face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.
Refrain
His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.
Refrain
When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh may I then in Him be found.
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.
Refrain
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