On not writing

I've had a rare weekend of vacation this weekend, with another -- involving a short trip -- next weekend. It's been a time of rest and relaxation for me, though with an indisposition (upon which I won't elaborate) which resulted in my not attempting to visit another congregation for worship. I even managed to sleep through broadcast church services!

It's been strange to me that I've had nothing to say here on the blog. Not that I didn't want to, but I still really don't have anything I wish to "put out there." Other than to update my few readers on the goings on here in Psalmist-land, I just don't have words to share.

So...here's the update!

* I recently signed a contract with a major sacred choral music publisher for the publication of an anthem for which I provided the lyrics. I'm pleased that there is a well-respected editor, and that both SATB and two-part editions are in the works. The respected release date is Spring 2009, and potential royalties at least a year out from then. But unlike my first published work, this publisher markets well and this is also less of a "niche" text. I anticipate that it will sell well among youth choirs and in school markets open to religious texts.

* My secular work situation is fairly promising, if a bit of a roller-coaster right now. I have been on a temporary assignment as (senior) administrative assistant to the CFO of a major hospital network for about two months now. It was only announced last week, though I had known for several weeks, that my boss resigned and a new interim CFO appointment has been announced. This occurred only a few weeks after our CEO was asked by the board to step down, and an interim CEO was announced. He (the interim CEO) went out of his way to tell me that he had received excellent reports about, and seen for himself, the good job I've been doing; he was very much in favor o fmy staying on the assignment indefinitely, if I wanted to. Though it has been very difficult to handle the uncertainty involved in an about-to-resign and completely absent boss -- one I truly liked and enjoyed working for -- I realized I'd be a complete fool to leave. Had my first boss stayed, all the signs were there for me to be hired permanently. Well, now that I've met and worked with my new boss just a little, again I see signs that he would like for me to stay as long as I wish to; he stated that he has no desire to bring in anyone else for the position and he values my input as far as procedures and perceptions of how we can best get the CFO's duties done well. SOOOO...all that to say, I'm in a pretty good situation, for a temp! It's the temp part of it that I want to see change. I'm still in that limbo of being unable to take any time off to see a doctor, and there's just too much that I've put off for too long. Not that I couldn't afford the visit, but the tests and the meds would bankrupt me. I've been that close to the financial edge for that long.

* Church continues to go well. I missed "my people" this morning, but I need this time away as well. I worked lots of extra hours so I could be ready to be completely gone for two weekends in a row, and in the wee hours of Saturday morning, I finally made it back home and hit the sack. I've decided, and have the pastor's blessing, to limit my schedule to two nights per week as much as possible. This will mean combining my youth and adult handbell ensembles, probably on Tuesday nights, and continuing with my adult choir on Wednesday nights. Between gas prices and the official number of hours of my employment, to say nothing of running myself ragged with three nights per week, I think this will be better stewardship of my time and energy. Meanwhile, once I return from vacation, that next Wed. night I'll be meeting with my team for VBS music, then we kick it off the next Sunday night. I'll have to ask to leave early from the day job Mon - Thurs of that week, which is a lot for a temp to ask for. Fortunately, my new boss is a Christian and I think will understand and concur, as long as I get my work done. We (the day job) have a budget workshop that next Saturday, for which I have to prepare lots of the materials, but I don't actually have to be at the workshop. It's always something. At least I'm not bored.

*To the several who have been interested in hearing about the "romantic relationship," it's ongoing, but very low-key. There is significant geographic distance involved, and neither of us, by mutual agreement, is planning any travel to be together for the time being. He's been through some seriously difficult family issues lately, and we've been drawn close in prayer about them. You're welcome to pray, too, if you're so inclined. Names and specifics are not important; God knows all concerned. :)

*And so, I continue to walk by faith and not by sight. Just reviewing what I've written shows that other than my part-time church position, nothing could be considered "stable." After all these years of instability, I'm not sure what I'd do with a suddenly "stable" life. (Isn't "stable life" for horses?) God always has been, and remains, sufficient. And perhaps that's why there isn't more to write. What more is there, really, that needs to be said?

Lent: Day 31

Scripture: Mark 5:21-43

". . . 'Daughter, you faith has made you well; go in peace, and be healed of your disease.' . . . 'Do not fear, only believe.' . . . And immediately the girl got up and began to walk about . . ."

Hymn: "When Jesus the Healer Passed through Galilee," UMH 263
Peter D. Smith, 1979

". . . The death of his daughter caused Jairus to weep;
'Heal us, heal us today!'
The Lord took her hand, and he raised her from sleep.
'Heal us, Lord Jesus!'"

Prayer:

Great Physician, I need your healing. Though the ailments of my body are annoying and irritating, my soul needs your healing far more than my body does. I fear there is wasting in places, and deadly growth in others. It is malnourished, unclean, and unhealthy.

Touch me, healing Lord. Give me the faith of Jairus and the desperate woman; let me look only to you, placing my faith entirely in your life-restoring hands.

Lent: Day 24

Scripture: Isaiah 45

" 'Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. . . . You are my witnesses,' says the LORD, 'and my servant whom I have chosen, so that you may know and believe me and understand that I am he. . . . Do not remember the former things, or consider the things of old. I am about to do a new thing . . . I, I am He who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins. . . .' "

Hymn: "How Firm a Foundation," UMH 529
"K" in Rippon's Selection of Hymns, 1787

". . . 'Fear not, I am with the, O be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid;
I'll strengthen and help thee, and cause thee to stand
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.' . . ."

Prayer:

Called by name! O loving God, you know my name!

I want to follow you, dear God, wherever you lead me. I give you myself, including my darkest fears, and trust you to use my life in the way that pleases you most.

I ask only that you keep calling my name, God. I belong to you.

Lent: Day 15

Scripture: Romans 8:18-39

". . . If God is for us, who is against us? . . . in all things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. . . ."

Hymn: "Jesus Loves Me," UMH 191
Anna B. Warner, 1860

". . . Yes, Jesus loves me! The Bible tells me so."

Prayer:

How long has it been, dear Jesus, since I simply allowed you to love me? When did I give up the trust of a little child and begin to try to earn your love, then to settle for living outside that love? What happened inside my heart?

Gentle Jesus, heal my grown-up pride. I want to regain the faith that you called the greatest: a simple conviction that God will always provide. Let the children I love remind me that I must believe and live as they do, if I wish to live in your Kingdom.

Lent: Day 13

Scripture: Matthew 6

". . . Pray then this way: Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name. . . . Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life . . ."

Hymn: "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms" UMH 133
Elisha A. Hoffman, 1887

". . . What have I to dread, what have I to fear,
Leaning on the everlasting arms?
I have blessed peace with my Lord so near,
Leaning on the everlasting arms. . . ."

Prayer:

"Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name.
Your kingdom come,
Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And do not bring us to the time of trial,
but rescue us from the evil one." (Matthew 6:9b-13)

(Offer this modern translation of the Lord's Prayer slowly, reading deliberately, as if for the first time. Stop after each phrase and listen for what God may be saying to you through this "blueprint for prayer" that Jesus gave his disciples so long ago.)

I've had it

(RANT ALERT!)

I have had it with the Body of Christ tearing itself limb-from-limb. I mean it. I'm sick to death of it.

The wholescale warfare against mainline Protestant denominations by the self-declared orthodox (little "o") and evangelical and conservative members (who apparently, wrongly think there are no orthodox or evangelical or conservative UMs or Presbyterians or Episcopalians or Disciples or ELCAs or UCCs) is uncalled-for. To them, we're not hardline enough on "gays." We're too hardline on social justice. We're not quick enough to excommunicate members. We're too "feminized." We're this, we're that, we're not thus and such . . . take your pick, pick your combo of pointed fingers. And in the final analysis, they consider us not really/fully/acceptably Christian at all. That's it. Never mind our faith, they claim we don't belong to Jesus Christ because we don't agree with them or do things their way.

SAYS WHO? Who condemns us? Not our Judge. We're trying our best to serve God and one another and the world as Jesus taught us. We've received assurance that we're forgiven sinners and we're charged to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling. Christ is in our midst, through the power of the Holy Spirit. Fellow mainliners, take heart. As my pastor quoted Romans 8:1 just this week at a funeral, "There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ." Whatever else we may or may not be, as imperfect but redeemed sinners, we ARE in Christ.

And I would observe to my sisters and brothers who insist on troubling us with their finger pointing, that it is impossible to simultaneously spread the gospel of Jesus Christ AND tear apart the body of Christ with their attacks on us mainline brothers and sisters. Like it or not, we ARE in Christ. Our goal IS to spread the gospel; won't you join us in that endeavor instead of denying our faith because we're not as conservative/orthodox/evangelical (in your definition) as you claim to be?

Wrestling, revisited

I've been off the blog here lately, dealing with a pretty major issue (actually two related issues). I've decided to write about it here.

The friends who've been keeping up with my employment situation are aware that, as things stand now, I have two disparate areas of work: my position as part-time minister of music at my much-loved church, and my scrambling efforts to stay employed in the secular business world as an administrative support worker. The former is very stable; I find a great deal of satisfaction ministering in an area in which I'm technically very competent and which is a good match for a number of my strongest gifts. The latter, unfortunately, is sapping much of my strength and energy. The work isn't; here again, I'm more than competent and bring a lot of good skills to the positions I've filled. The problem is that over and over again, the positions that could have/were supposed to result in a job offer, have fizzled or shifted or been eliminated. As much as I try to tell myself it's no reflection on who I am, each disappointment rips out a piece of me. I suppose that's because I don't just show up and work like an automaton; I put a lot of myself into my work and take pride in the excellence of what I do. When the job goes away, it's difficult not to see that as a negative judgment of the value of who I am and what I can do.

The obvious answer (for quite some time now) is to work full-time at the part-time job. That would be great, if I could only afford to stop doing secular work. But I am my own sole support. A pitifully small retirement fund is my only "nest egg." Other than marrying for money--something for which I have had exactly zilch offers--there's no way to make ends meet if I ditch the secular employment. This is not whining, this is fact.

(It's this reality that makes me laugh sometimes at the patriarchalists' pontifications that claim a woman's only godly option is to "be a keeper at home." That's all well and good and should be a viable, honorable choice--for those women who are truly called to minister primarily to husbands and children. Those of us who have neither, simply don't exist in their myopic little world. But I digress...)

A United Methodist church the next county over is searching for a full-time music minister. After much prayer and consultation with the dear friend who is also my pastor, I've applied. After speaking with the pastor to follow up on sending my resume, it appears I'm a strong candidate. (This was confirmed by my pastor, who also spoke with him.)

The thing is, I hate to even think of leaving my church. It's a seriously painful prospect. However, the ongoing pain (to say nothing of the financial uncertainty) of never knowing if I have a job to go to that will pay the bills, has become overwhelming to me. With every assignment I accept, it has become harder and harder to psych myself up to be perky and optimistic and positive. (I'm not genuinely any of those things even at my best! So I'm doing a whole lot of faking of it now.)

(Note to my readers: If you have an administrative assistant or associate with anyone who does administrative support work for you, PLEASE don't treat such people as disposable, as though there's ten more just like 'em where they came from. That's a unique, gifted child of God who is doing a valuable job for you, probably for pay most other people would laugh at. Cherish that person as an intelligent employee. They're not human wallpaper, even if they're "just a temp." Too many people have no concept just how poorly they treat administrative support personnel. That's somebody's life they're messing with. If they're not doing things up to snuff, talk to them! They are probably capable of a lot more and with a little encouragement could end up being invaluable to you. End of rant/suggestion/encouragement to keep on loving your admin support folks.)

A full-time position like this is what I earned my degree to do. It was a cold blow to learn, upon searching for a full-time music ministry position, that that degree would have to be a stepping-stone to an advanced degree if I ever wanted to work in such a position. It was when I was doing just that that my marriage failed, my money ran out, and God seemed to be moving me toward a different kind of ministry. I'm still not out of that bewildering territory. Just what AM I called to do? In answer to that ongoing question, this door seems to be opening. Is this going to be the means by which I eventually return to school and finish SOME master's degree? I don't know. I do know that I'm called to be faithful, trusting God to reveal enough of the way so that I may follow. My heart's been in the desert for a long time, ever since leaving pastoral ministry six years ago. During those four precious years, I knew without doubt that I was where God wanted me to be, doing what God was callign me to do. My soul almost died when I left. Now, the grace and love that surround me part of the time, at my church, serve to underscore just how lacking in grace and love much of the business world is. I have tried, very hard, to be faithful in that desert, offering God in whatever ways I could to those with whom I've worked. But that's very different from the clearly ongoing call to help equip the saints to minister in the world.

Is this possible return to full-time church ministry God's supply of a field in which to labor? I don't know. I suppose I'll know when and if the position is offered to me. All the experts say to do what you love, and the money will follow. I don't know about that. I do know that I've longed for a very long time to do what I'm passionate about: helping fellow disciples to grow in Jesus Christ and to develop and use their own gifts for ministry. It's what I'm gifted to do. It's what I'm called to do. It's what I want to do. Dear God, you know it's what I've been trying to do for all these years.

I'm trying to trust you.

Easter Monday

This Joyful Eastertide

Text: George R. Woodward, 1894
Tune: EASTER-TIDE, Dutch, unknown composer, 1685

This joyful Easter-tide,
Away with care and sorrow!
My Love, the Crucified,
Hath sprung to life this morrow.

Refrain

Had Christ, that once was slain,
Ne’er burst his three day prison,
Our faith had been in vain;
But now hath Christ arisen,
Arisen, arisen, arisen!

My flesh in hope shall rest,
And for a season slumber;
Till trump from east to west,
Shall wake the dead in number.

Refrain

Death’s flood hath lost his chill,
Since Jesus crossed the river:
Lover of souls, from ill
My passing soul deliver.

Refrain

Lent: Day 32

Must Jesus Bear the Cross Alone?

Text: St. 1 - Thomas Shepherd, 1693; St. 2 - Unattrib.; St. 3 - George N. Allen, 1844; St. 4-5 - Henry W. Beecher, 1855

Tune: MAITLAND, George N. Allen, 1844

Must Jesus bear the cross alone,
And all the world go free?
No, there’s a cross for everyone,
And there’s a cross for me.

How happy are the saints above,
Who once went sorrowing here!
But now they taste unmingled love,
And joy without a tear.

The consecrated cross I’ll bear
Till death shall set me free;
And then go home my crown to wear,
For there’s a crown for me.

Upon the crystal pavement down
At Jesus’ piercèd feet,
Joyful I’ll cast my golden crown
And His dear Name repeat.

O precious cross! O glorious crown!
O resurrection day!
When Christ the Lord from Heav’n comes down
And bears my soul away.

Lent: Day 25

"My Faith Looks Up to Thee"

Text: Ray Palmer, 1830
Tune: OLIVET (or MASON), Lowell Mason, 1830

My faith looks up to Thee,
Thou Lamb of Calvary, Savior divine!
Now hear me while I pray, take all my guilt away,
O let me from this day be wholly Thine!

May Thy rich grace impart
Strength to my fainting heart, my zeal inspire!
As Thou hast died for me, O may my love to Thee,
Pure warm, and changeless be, a living fire!

While life’s dark maze I tread,
And griefs around me spread, be Thou my Guide;
Bid darkness turn to day, wipe sorrow’s tears away,
Nor let me ever stray from Thee aside.

When ends life’s transient dream,
When death’s cold sullen stream over me roll;
Blest Savior, then in love, fear and distrust remove;
O bear me safe above, a ransomed soul!

Lent: Day 18

"We Walk by Faith"

Text: Henry Alford, 1810-1871
Tune: MARTYRDOM, attr. to Hugh Wilson, 1766-1824

1. We walk by faith, and not by sight:
No gracious words we hear
of him who spoke as none e'er spoke,
but we believe him near.

2. We may not touch his hands and side,
nor follow where he trod;
yet in his promise we rejoice,
and cry, "My Lord and God!"

3. Help then, O Lord, our unbelief,
and may our faith abound;
to call on you when you are near.
and seek where you are found:

4. That when our life of faith is done
in realms of clearer light
We may behold you as you are
in full and endless sight.

5. We walk by faith, and not by sight:
No gracious words we hear
of him who spoke as none e'er spoke,
but we believe him near.