Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Hump Day Humor


From Bert's site: Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Grandpa:In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Alvin Toffler:Because the chicken was suffering from future shock.(Barbara Llorente)
Timothy Leary:Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take
John Locke:Because it was exercising its natural right to liberty.
Jean-Paul Sartre:In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Howard Cosell:It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an Herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapiens pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.
John F. KennedyEr ist ein Roadcrosser
Salvador Dali:The Fish.
The Bible:God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Oliver StoneIt was a government conspiracy.
(Barbara Llorente)
Sirs William Gilbert and Arthur Sullivan:To verify through measurement and research explorational, Asserted widths and properties of highways transportational. And thus through brain and intellect did prove itself, this animal, To be the very model of a modern chicken-general.
E.O. Wilson:Under the influence of a road-crossing gene, selected because it conferred a survival advantage in the chicken's ancestral line. We could conjecture, for example, that crossing roads represents the transfer of a behavioral trait whereby some chickens sought to distance themselves from rivals, thereby distinguishing them in the eyes of potential mates and increasing their reproductive potential.
Sir Edmund Hillary:Because it was there.
Mark Twain:The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Sigmund Freud:As an expression of the repressed desire to have sex with its mother. The road symbolizes the barrier presented by the cultural taboo.
Carl Jung:The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Johnny Cochran:The chicken didn't cross the road. Some chicken-hating, genocidal, lying public official moved the road right under the chicken's feet while he was practicing his golf swing and thinking about his family.
Darwin:It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
John Wayne:'Cause a chicken's gotta do what a chicken's gotta do.
Richard M. Nixon:The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. This isn't about roads and chickens. I don't think you quite understand that what you believe I may have meant isn't what you think I said.
F. Lee Bailey:The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time and who did we overlook in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Jerry Seinfeld:Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
Machiavelli:So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Pat Buchanan:To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
Louis Farrakhan:The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
Martin Luther King, Jr.:I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Bill Gates:I have just released the new Chicken 2002, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.
Bill Clinton:I did not, and I repeat, I did not have sexual relations with that chicken!
Hippocrates:Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
Perry MasonI don't know, but I intend to find out. Della, get Paul on the phone for me. (Becca Love)
Marlin PerkinsWhile Jim wrestles the chicken across the road I'll be taking a nap here in the tent. (Blackbeard)
Stevie WonderChicken, what chicken? (Becca Love)
George Orwell:Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
Aristotle:Because one chicken cannot be more chicken than another.
Nietzsche:The chicken crossed the road, but it will take time for the consequences of the chicken's actions to be felt by the common chicken.(Barbara Llorente)
Jean Chr├ętienDa chicken crossed da road because 'e 'ad da plan. (Bert Christensen)
Former President George BushTo face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights.
Current President George W. BushIt will be a long crossing that is for sure, and we ask all pedestrians and automobiles for their patience as it crosses the road. But make no mistake about it, it WILL cross the road! It will prevail!
Albert Einstein:Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Emily Dickenson:Because it could not stop for death.
Ralph Waldo Emerson:It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Ernest Hemingway:To die. In the rain.
The Jihad:The chicken crossed the road hoping for martyrdom.(Barbara Llorente)
Karl Marx:It was a historical inevitability.
Adolph Hitler:To purify the chicken race.
Joseph Stalin:I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette.
Dr. Seuss:Did the chicken cross the road?
Did she cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road.
But why she crossed, I've not been told!
O.J. SimpsonIt didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.
Osama bin LadenTo strike at the heart of the infidels. Praise be to Allah! (Jaco Strauss)
Colonel Sanders:I missed one?
Buddha:Therefore, on the road there is no chicken, no road, nor perception of the road, nor impulse to cross it, nor consciousness of the road, no feathers, no beak, no clawed feet, no chicken. No road no chicken no crossing... only the great prajnaparamita of the empty form of chicken and the empty form of the road, and that emptiness; gone, gone, gone beyond, gone altogether beyond. "But, O Buddha," said Sariputta, "what is that crossing the road before us at this moment?" And the great One replied,"A chicken, Sariputta." "But why, O great One, does it cross the road?" "To get to the other side, Sariputta." Om.
Arthur O. Andersen Consultant: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

But, we will never know because the chicken was shredded before it reached the other side.

Stockwell Day:I pray for this chicken, as surely as I pray for all godless heathens who refuse to share my beliefs in total. And I am not saying this because I am a sanctimonious prig, but because I surely believe that yeah, although the chicken has crossed the Road of Death, he is still in danger of falling into the Frying Pan of Hell if he does not cross back to the good, the moral, the Right side of the road -- mine.

7 comments:

P.S. (an after-thought) said...

Ho Hoo, this is even better than the verion I've seen before. How about adding one from Rick Warren about how this is his God given purpose in life.

When my son was about 5 he said, "Why did the duck cross the road?...Because he was stapled to the chicken."

Psalmist said...

LOL! I like that.

OK, I'll call your Rick Warren Chicken and raise you one:

Pat Robertson Chicken: "The chicken crossed the road as a direct insult to God. You remember that hurricane that washed out that road just four days later? Do you really think that was a coincidence? No, indeed, God was offended and punished all the sinful chickens of that entire county because they're all road-crossing blasphemers who deserve to be wiped off the map. (Half-apology to follow once the media gets wind of this judgment.)

CBMW Chicken: "The chicken crossed the road in direct contradiction of her God-given henhood. Road crossing is the exclusive role of roosters. This road-crossing chicken has no respect for God or for the authority of roosterhood. She is refusing to accept her own blessed henhood by stepping out of the henhouse, where she ought to be laying and hatching as many eggs as God sends her. She should be tending to her nest instead of sinfully crossing roads. The road holds no fascination for a true hen. She may be so far gone in her gender confusion that she thinks she is a rooster. Her own mother must have failed to set the proper high standard of hen modesty and submission. This can lead to some young hens thinking they are hen-o-sexual. Her father needs to set some strict standards of discipline and bring his wayward daughter back under his authority where she belongs. And he'd better find her a strong rooster to marry, one who'll keep her under proper henly submission. The entire chicken race is at stake when hens and roosters forsake their mandated roles.

SingingOwl said...

ROFLOL at the CBMW chicken. How about a TD Jakes chicken?

Because Goood willed it, and called it, and it stepped forrrrth, BROTHERS AND SISTERS! Hallelujah. Glory to God! It stepped forth onto the very ROAD! The chicken set it's face to the other side! The chicken determined to forget the past, forget the traffic, forget the hot asphalt, forget the time he was almost run down....(louder, admist applause and hoots) and it grabbed hold of it's DIVINE DESTINY. It is free! It is free! I said it is FREE! It is free to be the chicken God created it to be, a devil-kicking, independent, holy, bold, road-crossing CHICKEN!!! CHICKEN, BE FREE!

Psalmist said...

Heheheheh! That is GOOD, SingingOwl! Still laughing... (Then, of course, before it gives its life for the stew pot... "Chicken, thou art noosed!" -apologies to J. for that one)

OK, one last one (for tonight):

Ben Stein Chicken: "The chicken. Crossing the road. Wow."

P.S. (an after-thought) said...

Ok, I'm a stupid chicken and from another tradition...What is CBMW? is that the manhood and woman hood group? With their heads under hoods?

This should be required reading to teach how the same thing can be interpreted (described) in many ways.

Psalmist said...

It's the "Council for [so-called] Biblical Manhood and Womanhood." For women, yes, many DO advocate "heads under hoods."

There are so many additional comments that could be made...but so little time...

SingingOwl said...

ROFLOL at Ben Stine! Hahaha. I should have said CHICKEN, THOU ART LOSED! shame on us...hee hee